Never Wanted to be You
by LanceIsHot
Summary: As if there wasn't enough Adam on this site, heres one more. Adam never really was a true duck...


**A/N Okay, this is my first duck story, but it seems like it's a rite of passage to write some Banks Angst. Please R&R**

Practice. It seemed Adam Banks' life had always revolved around that word. Practice and schoolwork. If it weren't for those two things, he probably wouldn't have done anything. He didn't have any friends outside the team, and he wasn't good at making new ones, so he was often by himself.

Now, though, this was ridiculous. With the ducks treating him like a traitor, and the varsity team constantly trying to show why he didn't belong with them, he could go days without saying anything to anyone. There was no one in the halls that he could say 'hi' to, and there was no one asking for his help with schoolwork, something the ducks had been doing since he transferred to their school when he left the Hawks. The rest of the kids at the school didn't ignore him, but, even though he was tall, most people overlooked him, or just thought of him as "that hockey kid."

So, he resorted to locking himself in his room for hours at a time, studying, perfecting all his assignments, correcting things over and over again. And when his roommate, Ryan, a basketball player, decided to stay in the room for a couple hours, Adam went out to the hockey rink to practice. He didn't mean to be a snob, he knew Ryan must have thought that of him, but he couldn't afford to make any friends.

His last group of friends had pretty much destroyed any last hope that he could ever have any trust in a new friendship.

Adam skated onto the ice, for the 5th time that weekend, armed with a hockey stick and a puck. He looked around for a few seconds before heading out towards the middle. If Coach Wilson, or Coach Orion for that matter, caught him out here again, he'd get another lecture, something he was not in the mood to put up with.

Lately, he'd noticed that they'd been coming out more often, probably to make sure he wasn't working himself in to total exhaustion. Every since the face-off Friday morning, he had been going out onto the ice as much as possible, trying to sort things through. The rink seemed to be the only place he could think anymore. Wilson and Orion had realized that after a couple of days of seeing him out on the ice for hours at a time, and left him alone for a while, but, as they often explained to him, there was more to life that hockey.

If he had figured that out years ago, he probably wouldn't be in this situation at all.

He heard the door to the ice rink open, and made a beeline for the penalty box-the nearest place he could hide. Too late, he realized that he left the puck out on the ice, something one of the coaches would be sure to notice.

"Banks?" he heard someone, a girl, call out. Since it obviously wasn't either of the coaches, Adam stood up, and skated out on to the ice. Julie, Russ, Dwayne, Guy, and Goldberg were on the other side of the glass.

"What do you guys want?" Adam asked, with a bit of hostility in his voice. He hadn't forgotten how Charlie had thrown him down to the ice during the game, and he hadn't been able to talk to anyone since. He wasn't sure if they were looking for more revenge against the Varsity team-which now included him.

"Hans is dead," Guy said quietly, looking down at the floor. That made Adam take a step back.

"What did you say?" he asked incredulously.

"He's dead, Adam," Goldberg said, his voice cracking slightly. Looking at the others, he noticed that Goldberg and Guy were the only ones who looked really upset by the news, but that didn't really surprise him. The new Ducks all knew Jan, Hans was just 'the other brother,' they hadn't bonded with him like the rest of the ducks had.

Like Adam had.

"His funeral's tomorrow, if you want to come," Julie said.

"Of course I want to come," Adam said sharply, making Julie jump back a bit, and mutter an apology. "Where is it?"

"I can give you a ride," Goldberg said.

"Thanks, but I can find my own." Goldberg looked surprised, and a bit hurt, but Adam didn't care. After getting the directions to the funeral, the ducks left, leaving Adam alone once again.

The day of the funeral, Adam's mom dropped him off in front of the church, saying she would be back to pick him up later. Adam walked through the doors to see that the ducks were sitting together in one isle. He debated for a few seconds before deciding that he couldn't sit with them. Charlie's words still echoed through his head, he couldn't face him today. Hans was his friend too, he was here to pay him respect, not pick a fight.

The church service was long, as most of the ducks wanted to talk about the things Hans had done for them. Adam listened to their stories, but didn't go up to say anything himself. He had been close to Hans, but, he knew that he was the only reason Adam was a duck in the first place.

Funny how Adam used to admire Hans for that act.

Later, at the burial site, the other ducks stood in a line, and Adam found himself in front of them. Bombay showed up, said a couple things, and took off once Charlie left. As the other guests were starting to leave, Fulton came up to Adam.

"We're going to have a street hockey game tomorrow afternoon, do you want to come?" he asked.

Adam looked around at the other ducks. None of them looked like they really wanted him to come, but then again, they _were_ at a funeral, being excited wasn't a normal emotion.

'_Do it_'something in Adam's mind told him. '_Everything can go back to the way it used to be- we can be friends again.'_

'_Please, they dropped you faster than the Hawks did, they'd never take you back, it can never go back to normal_._'_

"I can't," Adam said, and turned to walk off. No apologies, no explanations, he just walked off.

The others didn't take too long to start talking about him- he could still hear them perfectly.

"Figures," it sounded like Russ, Adam didn't look back to check. "He couldn't be seen with JV losers like us now that he's on _Varsity._"

"Oh come on," Guy said, "even before, he was too good to hang out with us. He's rich, he doesn't need a bunch of kids like us, he could probably buy friends."

"Let's not talk about this now," Connie said, still crying, "Hans is dead, we shouldn't be talking like this today."

Adam was too far away to hear anymore, but the little he did hear stung. So it wasn't okay for him to ditch the ducks, but it was fine for them to leave him in the middle of this JV/ Varsity prank war? He hadn't done anything, and he was getting blamed. And he played with the ducks as much as he could, getting permission from his dad to go out to that section of the neighborhood didn't come very often, and he wouldn't dare leave unless his father knew where he was. He didn't live as close to the others as everyone else did, it took almost a half an hour for him to get to Charlie's house. Most days, it was easier to stay home.

But of course, none of the others cared to look at things from his point of view. Adam Banks was just 'the rich kid', he didn't have any feelings.

After getting a ride back to the dorms, Adam headed back up to his room. Ryan was in there, and gave Adam a surprised look as he lay down on the bed.

"What?" Adam asked, slightly annoyed.

"I'm in here right now," Ryan said.

"So? We're roommate's genius."

"Yeah, but you haven't been in the room with me before nine since we unpacked."

"Sorry, but I'm tired, and want to sleep, is that okay with you?"

"I was just pointing it out," Ryan said, and went back to doing his homework.

'_He's right,'_ Adam thought. '_Some roommate I am.'_

Adam fell asleep not to long afterwards, trying to forget about what the ducks had said. He ended up sleeping all through the night, something he never did, and he spent most of the next morning regretting it. Even if he did need more sleep than he had been getting, he had things to do, sleeping wasn't high on the list.

He sat at breakfast alone, not missing the glares from both Varsity and the ducks that were there. Idly poking at his cereal, he wondered if there was a chance that he could just leave Eden Hall, go to some other private school, or heck, even the public school that Jesse, Peter, and Karp had gone to. He laughed silently, knowing that the chances of his dad letting him leave the prestigious Eden Hall to go to a public school was about as likely as him saying Adam didn't have to play professional hockey when he grew up. There was no chance.

Later that day, Adam decided to take the bus home, figuring it couldn't be any worse than staying at school all day. When he got home, no one was there, which he figured was for the best. He went up to his room, which was packed full of hockey trophies, and jerseys, and posters of professional teams. It was pretty much what his dad would have picked out for him. There was no personal touch, even the posters were his dad's favorite hockey teams, and his Hawks jersey was up. None of that was what Adam really wanted in his room. None of it was actually his.

He got a photo album out from under his bed. It was pretty much the only thing Adam really cared about. A couple years back, Averman had taken a camera with him everywhere he went with the ducks, taking candid pictures, posing everyone, getting pictures of them practicing. He was really good, but he wasn't really able to afford to get them all printed, and the only place to get it done was at the local drug store. When he told Adam about it, Adam told him that he would pay for the pictures if they made copies, and if Averman didn't tell anyone else. At first, he didn't agree to him, it would cost a lot to make doubles, even for a cake-eater like Adam, he had said. But Adam had insisted upon it, and because of it, he had a full album worth of pictures of the ducks.

He opened up to the first page, with pictures of them at the amusement park. The next page had them all playing hockey at the pond. Each page had tons of pictures of the ducks, even the new ones from the Goodwill Games. Adam couldn't help but laugh at what Guy had said yesterday, he was in almost all of these pictures, he _had _spent time with them, the album proved it.

He sighed as got to the last page, it was a picture his mom had taken of the team getting their Eden Hall scholarships. By that time, Averman had gotten past his camera phase, and Adam was forced to get his pictures by other means. The team looked so happy, even Charlie, Bombay must not have told him he was ditching them yet. That was one of the last days that he was a duck. He almost wished that the rest of the team hadn't gotten scholarships, and they just went to the public high school, but he knew the outcome would be the same. The ducks would all be together, and he, Adam, would be doing something bigger and better. He would have gone to Eden even if they didn't have scholarships. He would still be on his own.

He put the photo album away, and glanced at the time. He had spent most of the morning looking at the pictures, it was almost lunch time. He was planning on eating, and going back to school before anyone got home, when he heard the doorbell ring. He rushed down the stairs, hoping that it would be Charlie, or any of the ducks, asking him again to join them. After hours of looking at pictures of them, he would probably say yes now, but he wouldn't go out and ask if he could play.

He got to the door, and looked through the peephole. It was Larson, his once best friend, now some-what acquaintance Hawk buddy. He opened the door.

"What do you want?" Adam asked. He was a bit hurt that it wasn't the ducks, and as soon as he realized that he sounded like a jerk, he added, "sorry, I'm kind of having a bad day. What's up?"

"I saw you come home a few hours ago, and I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out for a while," Larson said.

Adam paused for a couple seconds, which Larson took to be a no, and started to walk off, when Adam called him back.

"Steve, wait, I do want to go, let me get my jacket."

A couple minutes later, he and Steve were on their way to P.K's, a hole-in-the-wall type place that all the teens in the area hung out at. It was one of the few places around that both Adam and the ducks were comfortable going to, another one being Goldberg's Deli. Larson and Adam placed their orders, and sat at a booth to talk.

"So, how have you been, how's high school for you?" Adam asked.

"Pretty good, I've got a great girlfriend, you ought to meet her, her name's Mary, and high school's fine. My only complaint is that my school doesn't have a hockey team. I miss playing. But I guess you don't have to worry about that, huh?"

Adam smiled slightly. "Hockey's really my main problem right now. I made Varsity…"

"You made Varsity?" Steve interrupted.

"Yeah, and let me tell you, it sucks. The ducks have ditched me, and Varsity just sees me as 'the freshman.' So, really, I'd prefer not to have a hockey team at all."

"The ducks ditched you?" Steve asked with a look of surprise on his face. When Adam nodded, he added, "What happened to all that ducks sticking together crap?"

"I guess it doesn't count when the duck used to be a hawk," Adam said dryly, which got them both thinking for a few minutes, silently sipping their drinks.

After a bit more idle chatter, their food came, and they ate while talking about what they had been doing for the past couple of years. By the time they had finished lunch, Adam was promising himself that he would come back to visit Steve more often.

As they were walking back home, Adam saw a most unwelcome sight- the ducks. They had obviously just finished their street hockey game; their faces were red, and they had their hockey stuff with them. Adam put his head down, hoping they wouldn't see him, but of course, with Adam's horrible luck, they did.

"Well look what we got here, two cake-eaters," Goldberg said.

"Where were you today, Banksie? Hanging out with your hawk friend?" Guy asked.

"Well, I guess we were never good enough to hang out with anyways," Charlie said.

So, the good news was, Charlie had rejoined the ducks, the bad news was, the entire team had seen him with the enemy, even if they hadn't played each other in over three years.

"Let's just get out of here," Larson said, grabbing Adam's arm. He gave a quick look back at his former teammates. If looks could kill, he would be a roasted duck.

After they got back to their neighborhood, Adam said goodbye to Larson at his house, and started heading back towards the school. When he got their, Riley and Cole were waiting for him.

"Hey," Riley called, "tomorrow morning, the JV team is getting kicked out of the school, and there's going to be a big hearing."

"Yeah, and we're all going," Cole said.

"We'll stop by your room at eight thirty, so you'd better be ready," Riley said, and started to walk out.

"Wait," Adam called him back, "I'm on scholarship too, so won't mine be cancelled too?"

"You're on Varsity, idiot," Riley said. "We've been doing great on our games; you don't have anything to worry about. Besides, you're rich enough to come here on your own. Everyone knows that."

And that was how Adam found himself on the opposite side of the ducks the next morning.

'_All we need is for someone to start singing the national anthem, and this will be just like the championship game,'_ Adam thought. It was true, on one side, was his old team, shooting glares at him, and on the other side, was his new team, who pretty much hated him just as much.

The meeting passed by in a blur for Adam, he couldn't stop thinking about what would happen if the ducks got kicked out. The out-of-state ducks would head back home, and he would only be able to see the other ducks on weekends. That is, if they ever wanted to see him again after getting kicked out.

Of course, the other alternative was the ducks staying at Eden, which was just as bad. He would be forced to be doing the same thing he had been doing since school started. Even if the ducks decided to be in a forgiving mood after not being kicked out of school, Adam doubted they would look past the dinner incident. He was truly surprised that they hadn't invaded his room with ants, but then, he didn't stay in the varsity dorm with the others.

He almost wished they had, just so they could be past all this.

He tuned in as Bombay walked in the door. He didn't even give Adam a courtesy glance as he walked past. He was a duck, through and through, and Charlie had definitely told him about all the things Adam had been doing. Bombay wasn't too fond of Hawks anymore; Adam really doubted he would see it from his point of view.

The meeting ended without Adam noticing, but, from the triumphant looks the ducks were giving him, they had won.

Varsity had walked out slowly, and Adam followed. As always, he was lagging behind the rest; close enough to not lose them, but far enough away that people wouldn't think he was in the same group. It was safer that way.

The ducks had lined up outside, and Varsity was grouping in front of them, blocking their path out. Adam tried to hang back, try and stay out of whatever was going to happen, but things never seemed to work out for him. He was pulled and pushed to the front of the group, until he was directly in front of Charlie.

"You really think _this_ could help us beat you?" Riley was asking. "You can have him back if you want, we don't need him."

Adam figured out what was happening, he was being handed down to the ducks. As if they would take him back.

"We'll take him, and then you'll see what ducks play like when they're on the same side," Charlie shot back. Wait, what had happened here? The ducks had been avoiding him for weeks, and now, they were just going to forgive him? That wasn't duck style.

"We'll see whose best after the game," Riley said, and Varsity started to walk of, leaving a very confused Adam behind.

"Oh, and one more thing," Russ called out to them. "After the game, the warriors die, and the ducks fly."

Riley gave him a look, but kept walking. Adam looked after them, wishing he could go with them. Maybe they ignored him, but he didn't feel a pang of guilt every time he looked at them.

Charlie must have seen the look on his face. "You going to miss them," he said, and Adam didn't quit understand the tone underlying the words; it wasn't kindness, that was for sure.

"Why did you do that, Charlie?" Adam heard himself asking. In all honesty, he wouldn't care if things could go back to normal.

"We were just trying to get you back on the team, Banksie," Charlie said. "You could be a little more grateful."

"Grateful?" Adam asked in shock. "You've been ignoring me for weeks, you froze my locker, you don't believe me when I try and talk to you, and you think I want to be back on the team?" The words were barely out of his mouth when Adam regretted saying it. The looks on the ducks faces were enough; he was not welcome anymore. He doubted they wanted him in the first place, they just wanted to win.

They were getting more and more like the Hawks everyday.

"We tried giving you a chance Adam," Charlie said, a menacing glare in his eyes. "If you want to stay with those preps, be my guest. Don't come crawling back to us when they leave you for being too weak."

Adam turned to leave, he didn't want to show Charlie that he had gotten to him. He could feel the tears already starting to run down his cheeks.

"You were never one of us," he heard Charlie say softly, and he stopped in his tracks.

He turned around to face him.

"I never wanted to be," and he tore off, back to his room.

_God, why did I say that? It could have gone back to the way it was before._

But what did that matter? It wasn't that great before either.

_It's true; I never wanted to be a duck. I only wanted to play hockey. I didn't care who I played for. I didn't exactly fight when I was put onto varsity, did I? _

But that wasn't his fault, his dad would have killed him if he had left varsity.

_Was making my father happy worth losing the best friends he ever had? _

He had made it back to his room; thankfully, Ryan had left, leaving the room empty. He was not in the mood to face him now. He grabbed his house keys off the desk, and grabbed his skates.

He went so fast, it only took half an hour to get home. That wasn't nearly enough time for Adam to re-think what he was about to do.

His parents were out of the house. It wasn't surprising, without a son to come home for, they had more and more things outside the house they did. Adam was glad his mom wasn't here for this; the sound of her voice might stop him.

He grabbed a pair of scissors from their spot in the kitchen, and headed up to his room. He took the photo album from under his bed, and started cutting up the pictures, he didn't want to see them anymore. After a while, cutting didn't seem to be enough, and he ripped them apart with his hands.

Smiling in satisfaction at his work, he looked around the room; looking for something else he could destroy. After deciding his room was duck free, he ran down to the kitchen. There on the counter was exactly what he needed. His mom's Oxycodone, which she took for headaches. Adam grabbed the bottle, and a glass of water.

He went back up to his room. With any bit of luck, his parents wouldn't find him for days. Long after he was able to save.

He glared at the cut-up pictures on the floor, and shook some pills into his hand. _Half should be good_, he thought to himself.

He caught a glance at himself in the mirror, and for the first time, doubted what he was about to do. Was there anything worth living for?

Hockey? His life had been destroyed by hockey.

His teammates? Every teammate he had, with the possible exception of Larson, hated his guts.

His family? They were growing apart every day. It was a burden to have to visit them nowadays.

Did he have anything else? He didn't have a life, or even friends. There was nothing stopping him, and still he hesitated.

Looking at the pictures on the floor, he finally decided he was done.

He dropped the pills into his mouth, and swallowed. He repeated the process twice more, until he finally decided it was enough.

The pain didn't immediately hit, but Adam laid down on the floor, among all the pictures, knowing he wouldn't be able to stand for long.

As he started to black out, he whispered softly to the pictures below him, "I never wanted to be one of you."

**A/N Hopefully, that was as good as every other Adam suicide there is out there. Again, R& R please!**


End file.
